Unconditional Love

Many readers are gearing up for trips home to visit with family and friends, getting a chance to take a break from the craziness that is Hollywood, reconnecting with the people who cheer them on and love them at their very core… and many more readers are dreading having to sit around the dinner table for the umpteenth time, being drilled about their acting career and being made to feel as though they’ll never achieve enough to make their relatives proud.

Holidays are tough. Even for those who find themselves blessed enough to have unwavering support and loads of encouragement — no matter what — there can be tense moments when it comes down to a conversation in which your goals and dreams are expected to be quantified or your accomplishments and forward progress are deemed miniscule when measured against what your peers are doing. (Note: “Peers” are either the kids you grew up with who chose “normal lives” and who have been promoted and had some linear progress that results in societal benchmarks OR the famous movie stars your family members use for comparison, when asking about how things are going for you in La-La Land.)

The expectations people have for “success in an actor’s career” are completely ridiculous, for the most part, and that’s not their fault. Blame Entertainment Tonight, blame TMZ, blame the entire E! Entertainment Network… take your pick. People — civilians and artists alike — enjoy the fairy tale. They dig the magic. They love the idea of someone being discovered while minding her own business and then sinking her handprints into cement outside that legendary theater on Hollywood Boulevard. They’re not so interested in classes and mailings, in networking events and one-liners, in 99-seat theatre and workshops, in showcases and self-produced webseries.

None of that is glamorous enough to turn their heads, but it’s ALL stuff about which we must be proud, if we’re sticking with this, if we’re in it for the long haul, if we’re committed even when it’s tough… especially if we’re committed when our family and friends fail to show us unconditional love.

Conditional love is easy. It’s the kind most of us are trained to give and conditioned (ironically) to receive. It’s the: “You did this nice thing and so I love you,” kind of love. It’s the: “Your values line up with my values and so I love you,” love. It’s the: “We agree on fundamental issues AND you do none of the things to which I object, therefore I love you,” sort of love.

Well, friends, love is more complicated than that. It — at its core — requires forgiveness and understanding and wiggle room. If I say I love you, but then you vote against the political party I thought we both agreed was best, so I take my love away, I’ve loved you conditionally and you didn’t meet the conditions. If I say I love you, but then you star in a film that involves nudity after I thought we agreed that showing skin was a horrible idea and I decide I can’t love you anymore, I loved you conditionally and you failed me. But if you and I can have completely different ideas, ideals, morals, political stances, even — and this is a biggie — a picture of what success looks like and still love one another, we love each other unconditionally. We do not require that a certain condition be met in order to earn one another’s love. We simply love one another, because we do.

I bring all this up at this start of our big holiday season because there will be ample opportunity to learn whether the love your family says it has for you is conditional or unconditional. “Would you love me more if I booked a national?” “Would I be easier to love if I hadn’t been taken off avail on that last project?” “Would you love me at a deeper level if I married that guy I only sort of liked and stayed in that job I really hated, made babies, and lived a block away from you?” “Would you have more love in your heart for me if I stayed in Hollywood but at least ‘got a real job’ instead of pursuing my dreams?” “Are there certain conditions I could meet that would make me — somehow — more loveable? More worthy of your love?”

Of course not. Your family loves you because they love you. But they have expectations and they lack understanding of what this pursuit looks like. Please, before you sit down to a meal — especially one in which you are there to give thanks — with these people, take a moment to remind yourself that they simply want you to be happy. Just because “your happy” doesn’t look the way they think it should doesn’t mean you’re not happy, as you pursue your dreams. Your job is to communicate to them that THIS is what your happy looks like. 🙂 That pursuing your dreams IS what makes you happy. And that if you kept trying to figure out what would make THEM happy and then kept trying to change your life’s path to line up with whatever that formula might be, even as it constantly changes, you would be nothing but their puppet, and that’s certainly not what they want for you. (Even if they might worry about you less if you did come home and work at the family business.)

People who require that certain conditions be met in order to dole out their love don’t deserve your energy. They hold their love hostage and that makes them terrorists, not supportive friends and family members. Don’t pay the ransom of trying to figure out what would make them happy, doing that thing, and then wondering why you’re so dang miserable. Live your dreams. Assure the well-meaning folks who say they just want you to be happy that you — indeed — are happy. And then give thanks for that.


Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!


Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/001425.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.

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