I’ve talked about When To Say NO (several times), but there’s a conversation going on over at PARF (Professional Actors Resource Forums) that has gotten very specific about walking away from a role, and I agree with the moderators that this is a great topic for this week’s column.

Because when an adult actor sets “the NO line” and chooses — before money is involved, before the tier-jump is being considered, before there are actual stakes involved and when everything is just hypothetical — what will be a “yes” and what will be a “no,” that’s one thing. But when it’s an adult whose child actor is offered an opportunity to share the set with a, let’s say, “problematic personality,” there are bigger considerations.

The good folks at Biz Parentz have shared a PDF checklist of considerations for parents — again, to review before at the moment of decision-making — on more “dangerous” situations. Here’s the PDF.

So, let’s talk about how this could play out. Of course, Personality Conflicts exist. There are people who may rub you the wrong way and “sucking it up” (to paraphrase the original poster of the conversation at the PARF message board, linked above) is a good lesson for short-term gigs on big-deal projects with stars who may be trouble, but who aren’t dangerous. It’s a lesson in dealing with strong personalities and being able to contend with folks we may never choose as friends, but with whom we could share a great scene. Doing a pros-and-cons list is a great way to measure out whether that’s going to be worth it. Again, do that before the decision is in front of you, as money and the name actor status of a co-star can cloud things, sometimes.

But what about actors whose reputation in the press is pretty dang dodgy? What about folks whose behavior is so well-established as iffy, or risky, or downright dangerous that you — as a parent — have a gut reaction to the thought of having your child on set with that actor that the “suck it up” advice now feels weird?

Of course, on legit projects with established directors and all the crew members assembled to make magic, there’s little to be worried about on set. (See that Biz Parentz PDF above for what qualifies as risky, in terms of participants’ credentials.) But what about after the project wraps? What if one of the stars — even if he or she is a consummate professional on set — goes off the wall again just before the film is due to be released? Suddenly the studio shelves the project — even though it was on fire at festivals — and a booking that looked like it would be filled with momentum for tier jumps is now in the half-off bin of picked-through DVDs or rarely listed as an “also recommended” film in the Netflix queue.

Oops. You were expecting red carpets, award shows, opportunities to go on to bigger projects thanks to this boost, but that star’s bad behavior has derailed the whole thing.

Do you regret saying yes to that? To having spent the months on that set? To having — especially in the case of a child actor on whose behalf you’ve made the decisions — gotten coaching and driven all over and maybe compromised traditional schooling due to the long shoot?

Hopefully not. But that’s why these are all conversations to have before the decision-making time is in front of you. Depending on the age of your child and the type of situation you’re facing together, these conversations can involve frank discussions or will need to be kept vague. But just like actors at all levels need to run decisions through The Brand Filter, parents of kid actors can — and should — make a list of “problem actors” (or typical behaviors, ranging from drug use to off-the-wall rage-filled outbursts, or from physical violence to inconsistency in showing up to set at all) before there are decisions in front of you, and make a list of pros and cons, so the decision becomes simpler, somehow.

As always, when you trust that no ONE job is “the big one” that’s going to make all the difference in your career, these decisions become even easier to navigate. It’s only when you have a mindset that a particular booking, with a particular co-star, going a particular way will yield a particular level of tier-jump that you get into REAL trouble. Knowing your — or your child’s — career is filled with bookings, co-stars (problematic or blissfully professional, at whatever level), and all sorts of opportunities and challenges should take the pressure off any time you decide to say no.

If your criteria for such decisions are good and thoroughly thought through from the beginning, you’ve laid the foundation for an easy-to-follow checklist, every time. And no matter what happens, find the teaching moment in every situation, so it’s always about the journey.

Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!

Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/001456.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.