Hi Bonnie,
First of all, love your articles. It was nice to feel the enthusiasm for your friend in your piece called Tier Jumping. I appreciate your writing. I have not read any of your books yet but I am looking forward to your suggestion for me.
It is weird for me to be writing to you. It was not my intention, but while I was reading your latest article the “email Bonnie” line kept jumping out at me. I am very frustrated with myself today and I thought I would feel better if I shared with you.
Quick background on me. Way back in ’96 and ’97 I worked as a background actor while I was going to college. I had a lot of fun and never had a problem getting work. I was able to get my SAG vouchers pretty quick but I never could save up enough money to join (single dad), but I did get bit by the acting bug. Sooo to make a long story short I ended up getting a management position in the mortgage world and promised myself that I would save a little money every month and if the opportunity ever came up I would join SAG in an effort to become an actor. Well with the mortgage meltdown last year the opportunity availed itself.
Even with the strike looming I joined SAG and was able to get right back into it. I went back to background work for a while to get back into the swing. I have had more than a few featured parts, a couple of stand-in opportunities, and recently was featured on a Budweiser commercial (“featured” meaning “featured background”). I was also lucky enough to land an agent within a few weeks of becoming SAG (a reputable agent that has been around for many, many years and wrote a book on how not to get ripped off by agents). Having no real training I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to have an agent.
So why am I writing to you? In the past six months I have been to quite a few auditions for featured background work (never had any issues or anxiety) but none that involved any lines except for today. It was exciting last week to get the invitation. My first audition with lines and it was for a soap opera. I printed the sides and worked on the lines throughout the weekend. I was full of confidence and had no apprehensions at all. I am not afraid of acting; I love the work.
I live outside of LA so I drove in early, relaxed with a buddy, drove down to the CD’s office and arrived 15 minutes early (so far so good), signed in, chatted with the other actors (but not too much), so far no problem. Then it was my turn in the office. Everything was fine right up until my hand hit the office door handle. Suddenly I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest, I couldn’t get a deep breath, and I could feel beads of sweat on my forehead. I was able to get through the cordial start, “Hi, How is your day going?” Firm handshake, no problem. Then quick as that (no camera) she told me, “When you’re ready, go ahead.”
I got about halfway through the lines with her and suddenly… nothing. The rest of my lines were gone out of my head, and when I say nothing, I MEAN NOTHING. I think that it is the first time in my life that I actually had no thought. Well I am sure that I suddenly looked terrified. She was very kind (I am grateful for that) to me and offered a copy of the sides. I told her that I did my homework, I knew my lines, I just couldn’t settle. After a minute I was able to get through my lines, not as graceful as I had been doing all weekend, but I did a decent job. I am so glad that she was as nice as she was ’cause I know it could have gone much worse. When we were done, I shook her hand, complimented her on her voiceover website (I Googled her over the weekend to find something nice to bring up), told her how much I appreciated her time and left. Wouldn’t you know the second I walked back through that threshold I was fine.
I am a good public speaker, I have been involved in many high-powered meetings with some pretty big muckety-mucks, I am not afraid of the camera and I have never had any anxiety on the set. But I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I think that this was a great learning opportunity, but I am frustrated that I lost control… out of the blue. I am sure that you have seen this happen or heard of it happening; I was hoping that you could point me in the right direction to work on this so that it does not happen again. This was a good opportunity on a soap opera and I am pretty sure that I blew it. Would you please share with me your thoughts? And would you please let me know which of your books I should read first? I love reading and I am excited to get into one of your books.
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Matthew Jensen
P.S. It is still weird that I am writing to a complete stranger but I do feel better. I could not tell this story to my family.
Matthew, thanks for writing. I’m so glad that you did. The best way through any of our creative blocks tends to include talking about what happened and getting advice on how to move forward. I think it makes perfect sense that you’re more comfortable writing to me about this than talking with your family about it. The stakes aren’t as high with me. 😉 I’m not judging you or needing you to do well in order to pay the bills and support us. I just want you to have fun, living your dreams.
So, what happened? Well, you choked! It happens. The fact that it’s never happened to you before is what made it feel so strange, but know that it absolutely has happened to everyone at one point in time (or it will, eventually). It’s just a part of life. Sometimes, no matter how prepared we are, we “go up” on our lines. We lose focus. We forget the name of the person we’ve known for years, right as we’re introducing him to someone else. It just happens.
Shake it off and train yourself out of criticizing yourself when it happens again by working on “the critic’s spot” as I described in Everyone’s a Critic. Since the goal is not to NEVER mess up (not possible), the goal needs to be quick recovery when you DO mess up. That way, you shake it off while you’re right there in the room and continue forward with an audition that may be even better than you’d prepared before going in!
Welcome to the world of principal acting! You’ve gotten a lot of on-set experience by working in the background and the transition to speaking roles looks to be a smooth one, what with the agent and all. Get into a good acting class so you can keep your craft in shape (believe me, when you have craft to rely on, you’ll never panic as much when needing to bail out of a jam) and be better prepared for your next principal audition. Do student film and theatre auditions as much as you can, since that will get you in front of people who can take more time with you and who also don’t make you feel as though the stakes are so high. Keep doing research on the people you’re reading for and just have fun! You’ll find it’s just like riding a bike. 😉 Just keep at it.
As for which book of mine to read — thank you — I’d bet Self-Management for Actors is going to be your best fit. It’s the top-seller of the books I’ve written and, if you like my columns, it’ll be a style that’s familiar to you. Again, thanks! I look forward to your feedback.
Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!
Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/000983.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.