What’s the opposite of grace?

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I put spiritual grace above most things. I like to endure hardships (if I must) with grace and an open heart. So why is it that, physically, I am the opposite of grace-filled?

My body has been taking a beating so far in this short year. A couple of weeks ago, I slammed into a railing in the courtyard, putting an enormous, deep, long-lasting bruise on my upper arm. Last night, I not only arrived late for the screening (something that already had me unhappy, seeing as being late is about the rudest thing I can think of), but I slammed my wrist into a column on the wall. Hard. Talk about making an entrance!

So, I’m already feeling self-conscious and too fat to go out in public among the cute Hollywood people and I arrive late and make everyone in the room look at me as soon as I walk in, by hitting the wall so hard. Fine. Breathe. Enjoy the movie. Love the performances. Soak in the happy feelings of having put together another amazing cast. So, the movie’s over and I walk out of our row and into the aisle. I’m hugging a couple of the actors, thanking them for making me look good, and then I step back to introduce Keith. As I step back, my heel goes off the step and down I go, backwards, all the way down the stairs and flat on my ass, then shoulder, then head. I land and squeal, “Wheeee!” It’s the only thing I could think of.

Now, my mom had what she called an “embarrassment karma” issue. She would muster up all of the courage it took to go out in public and then find a way to embarrass herself once there. I thought about that, as I remained on the floor, gathering up the shards of my pride before attempting to stand again. Ugh. Nothing so humiliating as an ego smackdown.

But I’m human, and accidents happen, and I moved forward with grace (I hope) to make up for the lack of grace I have, physically.

But I’m left thinking about Mom and her issues. I’m left wondering why I’m beating myself up so much right now and whether I’m simply externalizing the self-loathing that exists within or I’m attempting to break myself down to slow the progress I’m facing on other levels. Like maybe I don’t deserve my career success? Or the amazing relationships I’ve developed? What on Earth could this be about?

Hell, maybe I’m just a klutz. But I like to look at life a little more deeply than that. Blame Charlsie. Mom could analyze a freckle on a flea. *sigh* I don’t know. I’m conflicted. And I’m dressing in bubble wrap from here on out.

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5 Comments

  1. Avatar kittin sticks January 14, 2006 at 9:32 am

    I’m a complete clutz, have been since the day I was born. Take it from a clutz who always has a bruise or two, just laugh or cuss, and pick your self off the floor and take a bow. Who else could give such a performance?

    Reply
  2. Avatar Leemer January 14, 2006 at 10:03 am

    I knew exactly what I was going to leave as a comment. Then I scrolled down, only to see that you had already typed the same thing. I’m still going to say it, though…
    Maybe you’re just a klutz? There is no shame in that. Just embrace it. It worked for Gerald Ford.

    Reply
  3. Avatar aleta January 14, 2006 at 3:49 pm

    Don’t you realize exactly how beautiful you are? The fact that you trip and fall once in awhile only makes you that much more real, human, and approachable. Never forget you are a real person who is loved by many, many others.

    Reply
  4. Avatar Debra January 14, 2006 at 7:48 pm

    Oh Bon, honey. You recovered so well with that little “Wheeeee!” you squealed out at the end! At first, I was concerned about you being okay, but then, when I heard that squeal, all I could do was giggle and say, “She’s head over heels in love with her cast!” You are AWESOME at what you do! With a tremendous passion for it, and who you do it with! You are a ROCKSTAR! *shrug* So what you enter and exit the room with a bang! Enjoy the ride, Bayyybeeee!!!

    Reply
  5. Avatar Aimercat January 15, 2006 at 1:06 am

    1. Maybe you are still going through that weird, awkward phase like I’ve been in since I was like 12 or so. You know, where you’re not accustomed to your taller body. I’m so clumsy and uncoordinated.
    2. I think we used all the bubble wrap on Monkey Boy

    Reply

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