I’ve done it twice. Signed up for the low-cost HIV testing and accompanying counseling. The counseling is mainly to educate the “patient.” Are you aware of the ways in which HIV is contracted? Do you always practice safe sex? Do you know the sexual history of all of your sexual partners? Here, have some literature. Here, take some condoms. Now, why do YOU think you need to be tested? What will YOU do if the test comes back positive?
The first time I was tested, I’d been taking a Journalism class on the portrayal of HIV and AIDS by the media in the 1980s. I’d never had protected sex and I was beginning to wonder why I thought I was immune to HIV. My boyfriend at the time found it bizarre that I wanted to start using condoms months into our sexual relationship. I guess I was just hoping to make up for past indiscretion.
Getting tested was nerve-racking. Yes, I was well-educated about HIV and AIDS. Yes, I knew what to do to reduce the risks. No, I was not following common sense rules. Why, I do not know. So, I committed to myself, that if my HIV test came back positive, I would become a spokesperson for monogamous, heterosexual, female contraction of HIV, spreading the proverbial word. Despite this commitment, I was, of course, relieved when my test came back negative.
I swore that I would never have unprotected sex again, since it was such a joy to KNOW that I was, in fact, HIV negative.
Another commitment down the tubes.
“Girl, what is your problem?” I asked myself in the waiting room for my second HIV test. It was five years later, I was single, and I, this time, wanted to feel the rush of knowing I’d tempted fate yet again, only to remain HIV negative, through several unprotected encounters.
Do I like taking risks? Do I feel rebellious doing something that I know is stupid? Do I get a buzz just from being tested? Or is it that I trust my partners when they tell me not to worry? That I get off on having unprotected sex (more than having protected sex)? Great questions. But I do not have the guts to discover the answers.