Emotions emotions emotions! Damn it, this is hard work. I get so afraid of telling anyone what I really want or need, or how it hurts me when they treat me carelessly… so I never say a word. AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT LANDED ME HERE! I have to do this! All the way through. It is so hard to stand up for myself, when I’ve thought my whole life that I have to be perfect or else I will be left, I’ll be unloved, I’ll be abandoned. So, as soon as I feel the need to stand up for myself, I get petrified of the consequences… and do nothing. Oh, well… I eat.

Right now I’m just thankful that I’m not smoking, drinking, drugging, sexing, or lying my way through the pain… eating, I can handle. And I’m keeping it in check by staying 90% on Jenny Craig and showing up at the scale every Thursday, like it or not. So, that’s progress. It really is. But now I have to find the guts to take care of me, no matter what. I HAVE to stop worrying so much about what others may think of me if I do… anything. It doesn’t matter. This is about me. It’s time for me to begin treating myself with the respect and love I reserve for everyone else and stop expecting it from them. That’s not what creates my self worth. And it’s not their judgements that diminish it. It’s my own.