Lately, I’ve been doing my best to limit my online memberships. There was a time (not too many years ago) when I was a member of about a dozen acting-related message boards and discussion forums. It got to be too much of a time-suck, always checking in to see what folks were saying, logging in to answer questions from newbies who were at least smart enough to seek out the answers to questions on how to navigate this business before charging right in, just stopping by to say “congrats” when someone posted about a booking. So, in 2003, I logged out of a few of those message boards and haven’t been back. In 2004, I left a few more. And so on, all the way through as recently as the beginning of 2008, when I signed out on another few. I’m down to a lean and mean two industry-related message boards these days (and at one of those, the moderators come poke me with an email when there’s a thread that needs my attention, so it’s very low on the time-commitment scale).

Ah, but it turns out that I’ve replaced a few of these message boards and email lists with “social networking” sites like MySpace, LinkedIn, and Variety‘s The Biz. (I draw the line at Facebook. I’ve all but abandoned my Friendster. And I probably won’t get into whatever the next big thing is, either.) I’m learning these sites are taking up just as much of my time as the actor message boards ever did. But it’s not because I’m reading all of these posts by actors and supplying a few answers, sharing links back to archived columns here, or weighing in with my opinion on a particular agent’s reputation or an acting coach’s program. Now it’s because I’m being asked to endorse people. To recommend them. To introduce them to my industry connections. To vouch for them within these social networks somehow.

In fact, it got so bad recently that I was lamenting my decision to say YES to some of these otherwise very cool business-related websites to a friend of mine. (Seriously, LinkedIn has led me to contributors to The Actors Voice: POV, I’ve been able to pass along casting gigs I’ve had to refuse to fellow casting directors through both LinkedIn and The Biz, and I’ve contacted actors via MySpace to have them audition via YouTube on projects they ended up getting cast in by the time it was all said and done.) Turns out, this friend works in a very high-profile job (in a totally unrelated industry) and has created a brilliant form letter she uses when people who KNOW HER (but with whom she has never worked, personally) reach out to her to request a recommendation, a testimonial, an introduction. It starts out with a thank you and then basically states her policy: that she will only write a letter of recommendation (or whatever that “means” by extension in these online communities) for people that have worked directly with her.

With that policy in mind, I began to accept all “friend requests” at The Biz (a site whose interface allows for providing a letter of recommendation for anyone who lists you as a reference, even if you don’t verify that status) and immediately write up a “review” for the person requesting the connection, assuming that person is someone I have cast in a project, someone who has hired me to cast a project, or someone who worked with me in any other direct capacity. I keep it short and sweet and I share exactly what my experience working with that person was like. Easy. Done.

But what baffles me is how often it is that I am asked to write a letter of recommendation for someone at these sites. “Endorse me?” starts the email notification from the website. And I realize that I have never once felt the need to click the little button that would generate such an email on my behalf in order to GET someone else to write a letter of recommendation about ME. I am getting bombarded with requests to write testimonials about others… but very few people are starting out by doing that favor first and then asking for it to be done for them in return.

As I really started analyzing this, I got a little offended, somewhere inside. I thought, “How DARE you think that I should take my free time and write up a blurb about YOU when you don’t start off your request for such a thing with a, ‘Hey, I’ve written a testimonial about you, and if you get a minute, I’d love it if you’d return the favor,’ kind of thing?” I was really amused at the level of ire this whole “validate me via social networking site” brought to the surface in me. Then I thought, “Get over it, Gillespie. Some people need validation more than others. If they have to ask for it, well… that’s saying something.”

But, being the kind of person who really likes to examine human behavior (and especially one who likes to find ways to turn such study of VERY “human” choices into lessons — or at least musings — for actors to enjoy), I started having conversations with people about their need for validation (both in online social networking environments and in real life). Now, before you go pointing fingers, I know all about my MySpace “friend count.” You don’t need to remind me. I signed up in June of 2006 and wanted 1000 friends by January 2007 (check) and 3000 friends by January 2008 (check, check). I know I’m a whore for that sort of thing, so you’re not sharing news with me when you say I’m all about validation as much as the next guy. 😉 But what I learned, in talking with others about validation — especially with respect to the acting profession — is that it’s all about a bunch of hole-filling… and that hole is one that will almost never truly be filled. Especially not from the outside.

Case in point: You audition. You’re amazing. You’re thrilled to have gotten the audition in the first place (because you are aware of how many people you blew past just to get invited into the room). You leave the game on the floor and go about your day. But something sticks with you: “She said I was great. She actually said the words, ‘You’re so great,’ as she walked me to the door. I am great. She said so. And she said so in front of producers. I’m sooo gonna book this thing.” But we all know that having a CD tell you that you rock isn’t enough to yield a contract for doing the job, right?

But that validation feels good. And you want to take it to the bank. You want to bottle that and pull it out every time you feel an overdose of self-doubt coming on, just so you can sniff from the vial and make it through the rough patches. Yeah. That’s what written testimonials do. They give us a bottle of “feel good” to sample when we’re otherwise feeling bummed because we didn’t get the gig. “Oh yeah? You don’t want to cast me? Well, I’ll show you! Look at all of these people who DID want to cast me! Look at these people who said they WILL cast me someday! Ha!” Yeah… that’s not so healthy, if it’s an essential part of how you measure your self-worth.

One of my favorite casting colleagues (who doesn’t provide feedback after auditions) is known for saying: “Your callback is your feedback.” I like that. I also believe that repeat business is your feedback. If you are given access to new producers through the same casting director over and over again, that is a sure sign that you’re doing something right in that casting director’s eyes (and you should just keep doing it).

But because actors (many actors, not all actors) live in a world of “need for outside validation,” I find that they are often setting themselves up for emotional attachment to things they can’t control, and that’s such a recipe for failure over time. Get validation by doing better work in acting class. Find joy in the applause you get after having done a live performance, reviews be damned! Connect with the thrill of the work itself rather than the paycheck it may or may not ever yield. Rejoice in getting to audition. So many don’t even get that shot. Hell, to that end, find a way to be thrilled that your submission is ever even considered!

I spoke with an actor last week who said (more or less), “I hate Actors Access. I click submit three thousand times and I never get called in for anything. It’s a rip-off. I hate it. No one ever gets an audition from that site.” My first thought was, “Wow. What a negative worldview. Clearly, there are actors who are getting auditions every single day via Actors Access. Actors are coming all the way to callbacks after having submitted via Actors Access. Actors are booking paid work after having started the journey with that one click.” And then I thought about the whole validation thing. Would this actor resent those “useless clicks” less if there were more testimonials on the website from people for whom it worked? Nah. I bet those would just be used as fuel for the rage every time it didn’t work for this particular actor.

But what if this actor could be thrilled with every submission? What if menial chores like stapling resumés to the back of headshots and trimming 8-1/2 x 11 paper down to 8×10 for hours at a time filled actors with glee? I mean, in what other profession can you just SAY, “Hey, I’m gonna try this out!” and then have your first day on the job pay thousands of dollars? (Of course it doesn’t always happen like that, but it CAN, and that’s gotta make you happy to imagine, right?)

I guess what I am saying is that the only validation an actor should need in order to feel that he or she is an actor is that we ever call him or her in for an audition. And the validation that the actor is good comes from getting called in again.

To close off this week’s column, I thought I’d share an email that came in after last week’s “The Power of ‘Eh’” column.

Dear Bonnie,

Paul Kwo

Something we all know, of course, but a lovely reminder. Don’t need it too much… and that goes for the gig and the praise. It’ll make you happier to find your validation from within, as this industry is fickle and fair-weathered. Even when they love you, it will be fleeting. So, learning early not to tie your sense of self-worth up with what others say about you will serve you very well.

Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!

Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/000842.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.