One of my favorite things about growth is that it *will* ruffle the feathers of those who are used to us being a certain way. When we grow, we’re actually changing the rules on our loved ones — who have invested a lot of energy into having us “the way we were” — and if we do that without communicating, it’s kind of unfair.

We’re walking around going, “Ugh! Don’t you SEE the work I’m doing on me? Don’t you GET that I don’t want to be talked to like that anymore? Don’t you UNDERSTAND that I’m changing and I’m not the person you once knew?” but we never set groundrules for them to know things are changing, so they could feel a part of it all.

So, they’re both reading off a version of the script that existed two revisions ago (and that’s currently being rewritten by you, daily) *and* not being invited to have their feelings about how this rewrite is going.

Not to say that you should ever NOT kill off resistance due to a partner’s or parent’s or friend’s feelings — but you should INVOLVE a partner when you undertake major life change such as radical self-care. Because you *are* changing and — assuming you want them to stay in your life — they should be involved a bit. If you were changing careers and you had been the breadwinner for five years, you wouldn’t come home without discussion and just say, “New choice! I’m gonna sell kites on the beach now” and expect them to not only be 100% on-board but also question-free about your thought process in this.

If you’re in the midst of self-change, I’d take a moment to schedule a loving intention-setting MEETING with your loved ones. Treat it as if you’re about to check in for rehab. You’re engaging in extreme self-care. And things *will* be different. YOU will be different. So you’ll need them to support where you’re headed because certainly — if they truly love you and want what’s best for you — they can do nothing but support your campaign for creating the “Better You” that you’re working on, daily.

Ask what they might need in order to be able to support you best. Set “trigger phrases” that are intended to communicate efficiently — especially when old muscles try to take over and have a fight for no reason — so that there are words that will instantly diffuse the emotion when it’s turned up a bit too high for the situation. You can all agree that when a “trigger phrase” is employed, the emotion gets put on pause, it’s neutral corner time, and the person who uttered the “trigger phrase” really feels heard, because they’ve been willing to say, essentially, “We’re not accomplishing anything at this point. Let’s invest in ‘Better YOU’ by taking a break and revisiting this from a better place.”

Set TIMES when you’ll give audience to how this is making your loved ones feel. Have dates for these check-ins. And then really listen. Not because you’ll change your priority of working on “Better You,” but because partners should hear one another, and if everyone’s goal is to help EVERYONE become their best selves, this whole thing can be not just huge for you, but for everyone around you, when it’s done well.

Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!