My knuckles are badly bruised. I’m feeling extremely narcissistic about my hands. This is an amazing feeling. I love having hit something so hard and with so much fire that it didn’t even occur to me to protect my formerly fragile wrists. At the end of a very frustrating week, the last thing I wanted to do was Krav Maga. Dawn made me go — and thank goodness she did! Totally worth it. I’m sore today, but it’s so very gratifying.

Last week’s emotional melt-down came when I’d pounded Dawn so hard the instructor came over and took her place holding the pad. I sent him reeling. When I recoiled, I went way deep into a corner of myself and began to weep. The instructor sweetly asked if I were hurt — when the last thing I wanted was attention. Dawn asked if we should leave — and I said no, knowing that I would never come back if I were to leave. This is exactly why I began this process — to finish it. There is no giving up when it gets hard.

Of course, there’s this overwhelming fear of NOT having this soul-gripping block in my life. I’ve become so comfortable with it, so accustomed to living with it, that I fear how to live without it. What if, in eliminating the block, I lose something innately “Bonnie” about me? You know, that seemed like a good question a week ago, but just typing it right now, it seems a ridiculous thing to even ask. Good. That’s progress. And that’s the idea. Each day brings me closer to the time when this pain is dissolved. Yes, there will always be new hurts to put in its place, but they’re ones I’ll conquer quickly, compared to this. Of course, I may not recognize my life without this block. That’s GOOD. That’s FINE. That’s the POINT!

So, I continue forward….