Actor number one asks actor number two what he thinks about an agent, while both are within earshot of actor number three. Actor number two tells actor number one what he thinks about that agent. Actor number three, thinking it’ll make him look cool to the agent, approaches the agent to share what actor number two said to actor number one about the agent. The agent tells the casting director who referred actor number one in the first place that the actor is going around “checking on him” with other actors. (Yes. This is called “research.” The casting director highly recommends this practice.) But far more importantly, actor number three has now shown an agent, a casting director, and two fellow actors that he is not to be trusted, because he’ll throw anyone under the proverbial bus if it gets him audience with someone who might possibly want to represent him. (No chance. As soon as the agent heard, “You won’t believe what so-and-so said about you,” the agent knew this person was a gossip, not an actor.)
Happens all the time. An actor who wants to get in good with me will say, “You won’t believe what so-and-so said about you.” And my response is always, “Not interested.”
Why?
Because what other people say about me is none of my business. And in the end, someone’s need to make me aware of trash-talk that’s out there tells me far more about that person than the person who had anything to say in the first place.
But people talk. I’d say it’s “human nature,” but I know some humans who simply aren’t as curious, who aren’t as gossipy, who aren’t as interested in what others say, ever. I usually consider myself among that camp, but sometimes even I catch myself engaging in what starts harmlessly enough as chitchat at an industry party and then devolves into unnecessary blather.
An agent talked my ear off for a half-hour once about how horrible his former agency was, not realizing that one of the partners at that “horrible agency” is one of my best friends. Did I stop him from criticizing (and possibly engaging in slander)? Nope. I made a note to myself to watch my back with that particular agent, because it was clear he was going to chat without looking first. Talk trash about people without realizing what relationships might exist.
And that’s the point of this week’s column: You never know. You never know who’s listening. You never know who has a stake in the situation you’re describing. You never know whose non-industry relationships pre-date the industry gossip you’re spreading and whether the person you’re bashing was the maid of honor in the listener’s wedding. And because most savvy business people will just listen, noting well what alllll you’re saying says about you and your level of security in your own skin and in this business and on this planet, frankly, you’ll leave that conversation feeling like you vented, shared juicy scoop, ingratiated yourself with someone in the industry… when what you’ve really done is step alllll in “it.”
I was watching E! the other day when a special on that hideous Jon and Kate Plus Eight trainwreck aired. Oops. Hang on. Maybe you’re friends with them. I should choose my words more carefully. Okay. I’m sure they’re nice and good and not at all opportunistic critters whose kids will need therapy for decades. Fair enough. But what I noticed was this rather large volume of “friends” and “family members” that were happily showing up on camera, telling tales out of school. Tattling on their “friends,” their “family.” Surely having cashed a healthy-sized check for providing exclusive scoop. *shudder* I felt unclean and quickly changed the channel. To TMZ.
Frying pan. Fire.
Again. *shudder*
I mentor a young woman for an organization called WriteGirl and a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about my column. She asked me what my topic was going to be for that next week and I told her. She asked if I’d ever written about paparazzi and reporters who live to tear famous people down, for the enjoyment of the viewers and readers who purport to adore their favorite celebrities so. I told her I’d done a little bit about dealing with the press and paparazzi in Rookie Orientation but that I hadn’t really explored the whole psychology behind that type of reporting. Now, don’t get me wrong! I watch TMZ and laugh as much as the next guy, so I’m part of the beast that whole genre feeds. But when I started working on this week’s column, I realized it all comes from the same place as that need to “break a story” to a colleague. To gossip.
For example, I learned a year or so ago that a not-so-close friend from years before had begun the process of having a sex change. A few months later, one of our mutual friends also learned about this and quickly contacted me on Facebook to say, “You’re not going to believe this!” And of course, I already knew. But there are folks who can know something “juicy” and just file it away. And there are folks who immediately want to share with others who also know that person. Why? What need does it feed in them? I’m not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with being part of the “in crowd” and wanting to be valued for having inside information. Why are people fascinated with who’s gay-but-in-the-closet in Hollywood? Why — as soon as someone famous dies — do waves of status updates at Facebook and Twitter blast the news? Sure, to spread the word. But why is there a sense of pride at being “first” to break the news in your circle of friends? Why is it cool when you’re the one who introduces a video that will go viral to your buddies before they’ve seen it elsewhere?
Fascinating stuff!
And best of all (or worst of all, depending on whether you’re studying the psychology of it or being the victim of it) is that it doesn’t have to be true in order to travel. An actor friend was telling me about a former friend of his spreading malicious rumors about him to mutual friends. He actually confronted the guy and said, “Look, we’re not in each other’s lives anymore. Just stop the drama.” And the guy said, “I’ll say what I want about anyone I want anytime.”
And I guess that’s gonna happen. We can’t force people to keep our names out of their mouths, just because we’re no longer doing business together or are no longer friends. Some folks just love to wag their tongues. And what I hope we all take away from not only this week’s column, but every encounter with someone who needs to gossip about anything or anybody, is that the person doing the blabbing is who we’re really learning about, in that situation. What are they teaching us about them?
Worried you might talk too much? Here are a few quick tips for tattlers: Be interested, not interesting. Talk about things, not people. Never say anything about someone that you wouldn’t say to that same someone. Enjoy having a secret that no one knows yet, and trust that when you hear about it from someone else, you’ll have greater satisfaction for having kept that secret than from having been the one to light the wildfire of its spread.
It’s a small town. And people talk. Make sure when they talk about you, it’s to praise your professionalism, comment on your worth as a performer, and share how awesome you are as a person on their team. Don’t feel the need to retaliate when you hear something “out there” about you. Instead, know it means you’ve arrived. And when people treat you well, treat them well. When they treat you poorly, treat them professionally. It’s all about accountability, so make sure you only deliver words that you can stand behind and feel confident about having shared. Because it will all come back around. People talk.
Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!
Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/001035.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.