Many, many emails I receive start out like this: I’ve read everything you’ve ever written and I love your advice. But I just need to ask you one quick question… and the question will invariably be nothing more than an actor’s inability to apply what I’ve already written about a topic to his or her own situation. If I reply back with a quick answer and a link to a column in which I addressed a nearly identical issue for further reading, I’m met with a follow-up email from the actor that starts out: Yeah, but…. So, this week I’m going to look at that “yeah, but…” thing, because it can be pretty dang annoying.

When I discussed this topic with my casting intern last week, she mentioned that it didn’t sound like an actor-oriented column. I agree, but figured that perhaps it’s a good topic for actors just the same. Because sure, you’re an actor, but you’re also a human being, and that could mean that you welcome tips on how to accept the advice you ask for. Let’s look at a few key ideas, here: There Are No Rules, Collaborators vs. Gurus, and Commiseration vs. Solution-Seeking.

There Are No Rules

Anyone who has spent more than a day pursuing acting professionally gets that there are both no rules and infinite, ever-changing rules in Hollywood. Studio head Peter Guber is known for saying, “There are no rules, but you break them at your peril.” Because everyone is always looking for the next big discovery (in terms of talent, material, vision, voice), there is very little structure to the industry. People are willing to be very creative in order to find the next IT (whatever it is). That said, those who are already “in” find the overwhelming task of filtering through all that is out there (trying to get in) to be a bit more manageable if they operate within a certain set of Hollywood rules. This is where many people get frustrated. It’s the you can’t get in until you get work and you can’t get work until you get in issue. But somehow, people find a way in EVERY day. Relationships are strengthened, chances are taken, magic is made.

So, remember when you are seeking advice from anyone in the industry about the industry that it is only due to a convergence of many mysterious factors that anyone is having any success at all. And that their position of authority from which they can offer advice only came about as a result of the formula that worked for them at the moment they happened to break in. Believe me, if someone who had found instant success in the industry could sell the recipe to everyone seeking success in the industry, he would! But nothing is one-size-fits-all in this business. No one follows the same path and no two people doing identical things will have identical results. That’s part of the reason there is so much mystery and magic to the pursuit of acting. And those of us who advise others can only hope to demystify elements of the business. We will never be able to bottle and sell the formula for making it. And anyone who says he or she has that formula to sell you is someone from whom you should run. And fast.

Collaborators vs. Gurus

Continuing that line of thinking, those who behave as if they have some formula to sell are usually self-proclaimed gurus. Those who roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty, interact with you about your situation, and offer suggestions are collaborators. Be sure you know from whom you’re asking advice before you put yourself out there. Regardless of the source of the advice, you’re going to need to get skilled at applying advice that is given in the general to your specific situation. Advisors can only offer information on what they’ve experienced (and only you have experienced your exact situation).

Back when I was conducting weekly casting director interviews, I was billed as a “casting expert.” I remember being quick to ask that the description be edited somehow. Sure, I interviewed over 200 casting directors in three years, but I would never consider myself an expert on casting! (Heck, I doubt I’d consider myself an expert on anything outside of Beverly Hills 90210 trivia.) Definitely, I had become the go-to gal on opinions and trends in the casting community, as no one person had actively talked to that many different CDs, but even so, I could only ever share generalizations. What happens specifically in any casting office is unique to that space and the people in it! And, as any casting intern will tell you, every office is slightly different.

So, when you seek advice from someone who insists he or she knows “how it is, period,” consider that you may be dealing with someone who has an agenda. Perhaps that person needs to be perceived as an expert and you are an unwitting participant in a power play. This goes for writers, career counselors, and acting coaches alike. No matter the source of the advice you seek, always apply what works and discard the rest. No one knows all things about all things.

Commiseration vs. Solution-Seeking

When you seek advice about your situations in the industry, are you looking for commiseration or a solution? I tend to be very solution-oriented in my advice-giving (and almost intolerant of commiseration-seeking actors lately). Therefore, when an actor seeks me out for advice and then, upon having been given a perfectly decent suggestion for a way to CHANGE a bad situation, responds with, “Yeah, but…” I know I’m hearing someone say, “Thanks for your advice but what I’m really looking for is someone to hear me complain and then say, ‘Poor thing!'” Yeah… that ain’t gonna be me. I’m all about brainstorming and condition-changing. Your agent’s not sending you out enough? Okay. How much are you getting yourself out there? Your demo reel doesn’t show your comedic range? Hmm. Have you gotten together with friends to shoot a scene you can each use on your reel? You can’t get your SAG eligibility? Well, have you considered becoming a signatory producer on a project at a level for which you could Taft-Hartley yourself?

No advice is “easy” (see the guru section, above), but information on how to change a condition (which is what advice is, after all) shouldn’t be easy! What’s easy is staying exactly where you are, never growing or changing, never reaching beyond your grasp.

At a recent speaking engagement, I was commended for being willing to change my mind about an issue, once I heard new information about it from someone with a different point of view. Um, yeah. Of course! Living IS growing and changing. Setting policy on anything and becoming rigid about how you see it is a recipe for stagnation (and bitterness). Being willing to change is one of the loveliest things about the human condition. Embrace it!

And if you’ve asked for advice, be ready to hear it. Give yourself TIME to really let it sink in before you dismiss it. Sure, you may still dismiss the advice as not right for you, but do so after having really considered it. What I’m advising is that you approach advice with an improvisational mantra (“Yes, and…”) rather than the dreaded “Yeah, but…” (which is really just a no in disguise).

Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!

Originally published by Actors Access at http://more.showfax.com/columns/avoice/archives/000445.html. Please support the many wonderful resources provided by the Breakdown Services family. This posting is the author’s personal archive.