I watch a lot of TV. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot.
And since I am not blessed with TiVo, I must also watch commercials. Of course, I do my best to time just about any other activity for commercial breaks, but when I do catch a commercial, a few things can happen.
I can say, “Oh, so-and-so auditioned for that one!” or “Hey, that’s so-and-so!” or, as is the case with the examples that follow, I can stand up and scream at my television, “What the eff were you people thinking?!?”
I don’t understand ad execs. I really don’t. I suppose, if I did, I’d have done more than take one advertising course each in undergrad and grad school at the Grady College of Journalism (go, Dawgs) at UGA. And then, perhaps, I’d have become one of those odd little ad execs and lined my pockets with dollars made off of some of the stupidest ideas ever conceived. Instead, I get paid dunkets to share others’ stupid ideas with you in the form of a rant.
What I’ve Learned from Commercials
Lie to your friends. When given the opportunity, make sure you lie. Your roommate asks whether you wore her black top last night. You flashback to the amazing party time you had, dancing away, wearing her black top, but recall (thanks, voiceover) that you used Secret, and therefore did not leave white marks on said black top… making it impossible for your roommate to know the truth.
Don’t lie to your girlfriend. When she asks if you’ve been wearing that black sweater she sent you, tell her yes, you wear it every time you think of her… and when she guesses that it must be “so grey” due to all the times that would mean it’s been washed, you can hang up the phone, cut the tags off the unworn sweater, run panicking to the laundry room, and… uh, oh… all you have is Cheer, and that won’t fade your dark clothing. Busted.
Lose your gag reflex. If you ever want to shoot a commercial for Carl’s Jr. and their new chili burger… well, you’d better be able to not puke during filming. (From what I hear, on the set, it’s quite all right to do so after, “Cut!” is hollered, but that’s it.) I get that we’re supposed to think, “Mmm, yummy… big, sloppy burger with chili overloaded to overflowing.” Okay. I’ve never enjoyed the whole “listening to someone eat something” hook to their ads, but with this one, where the chick sits down, positions the box the burger came in to have it catch the chili that spills off toward the floor, licks the edges of the burger to get what extra chili she can, and then “plop” again… more chili in the box… I just don’t get how that’s supposed to make anyone want to go buy that burger.
Have questionable anatomy. This one has long been a favorite. “My sister and I were at the gym and I got my period. I asked to borrow a pad, but she only had tampons.” Let me state, for the record, that I know feminine hygiene ads are just about as bad as those Viagra ads I refer to as the “Bob’s Boner” campaign (thank God Saturday Night Live… or was it MadTV… finally spoofed that one). But this one, from Playtex, includes the lovely tag line, “They’re so comfortable–you can’t even feel them.” Them? How many are you putting in?!?
Mistreat your body and then brag about it. It started up after New Year’s Day, as most “fix yourself up” ad campaigns do. This one is the Bally Fitness “feel the beautiful pain” series of commercials. Are you kidding me? Honestly, at first, I thought, “Nah… that can’t be their campaign. Really. It’s gotta be a one-shot, New Year’s Resolution type ad deal.” Oh, no. It’s a whole roll-out campaign based on the premise, “I hurt so bad from my workout that I can’t even move.” The stupid one-shots of the actors describing the “morning after pain” was a bad enough ad, but now the almost public service announcement-tone one with the woman who “tragically can’t cross the street today” because of the pain of the “amazing workout” she had the day before? Ugh! Please, ad execs, be a bit more responsible!
Use disclaimers liberally. I’ve always liked the little Zoloft ad campaign with the little blobby moving across the screen, interacting with a ladybug. It wasn’t until a 17-year-old writing student I knew mentioned it to me that I noticed something really amazing about this ad, in which–remember–an animated blobby moves across the screen and then an animated drawing of the serotonin reuptake process taking place is shown–includes the all-important notice at the bottom of the screen: “Dramatization.” Wow. Really? You mean my brain is not functioning as a cartoon?
Well. Maybe that’s my problem right there.