Okay, actually this was more than the best movie ever. It was like the best late morning/early afternoon date ever. But first the important part: THE BEST MOVIE EVER! (That’d be Stick It! Duh.) NOTE: SPOILER-FILLED POST (you’ve been warned).

Now, you know I’ve been looking forward to this movie for a while now. Def Jam Becca MC, KiKi Longpost, and Babes McPhee and I have all been talking about the greatness that we knew this movie would be. And being the best movie ever, it did not disappoint. Like a Christian kid on December 24th, I went to bed early (read: 6am) so that I could get up at the earliest possible moment after Santa had delivered my goodies (read: 10am, to get goin’ for the 11:10am showing at the Promenade) and begin tearing through the wrapping paper.

Keith said, “Wake up! Time for your movie.” I replied, “This is not just a movie. This is the beginning of my professional teenage gymnastics career.” But wait… first there were previews (and really cool commercials).

Did you know that TLC is running a brilliant series of ads that depict life lessons such as the importance of NOT becoming the Crazy Cat Lady, why you should read instructions before using power tools, and how merlot and email don’t mix? (Note: I’ve just realized that movie theatres are like the only place to see commercials anymore, what with TiVo and all. Hmm.) You can even order these figurines (like the one above) or customize them online like I did, below (seriously. That little one below. Click it. Read it. It’s so me). Coolest part, in the Crazy Cat Lady PSA they screened before the movie, is that she leaves to go on a date and says, “Okay, you’re in charge,” to one of the cats. I so totally do that to whichever cat I see last, as we leave the house. Heh.

Okay, so there was also a really great commercial for Coca-Cola (woo) that must’ve cost a bazillion dollars. This kid is riding his bike through the city streets during an incredibly intense and beautiful parade of many eras and worlds. It’s a gorgeous fantasy world that exists as long as he’s drinking his Coke. Rockstar. Up my stock, kids. Thanks.

Oh, and before we go into the review of THE BEST MOVIE EVER (Are you totally feeling like you’re sitting through trailers for this review? I am.), let me just say that in addition to the must-see Wordplay about which I blogged yesterday, now there’s The Heart of the Game. Yup. It’s now the documentary time of year for my moviegoing pleasure. I’m in. Totally.

Now, for greatness.

You’ve been to the movie’s site, so you know the story. Hell, you’ve seen Bring It On, so you know the story. Well, sort of. Seems the film’s writer/director (Jessica Bendinger–love that name, like she’s a bending-er, like all of these flippy kids she writes about) is also making a political statement about the arcane rules of judging in the sport of elite gymnastics. She does it quite effectively, too.

But not as effectively as she writes coolass lingo. Holy hell, that’s some great stuffs. My favorites:

*Dude! Why you always gotta bite my moment? It tastes good?–Poot, when Frank marshes his mellow or kills his buzz

*Well if it isn’t Pariah Carey.–Joanne, upon seeing Haley’s unwelcome return to the gym (BTW, I totally think we need to just refer to Mimi as Pariah from here on out.)
*Come here, rebel without applause.–Coach Vick to Haley, on one of many of her walk-off-in-disgust attempts
*I’m so sure I’m practically deodorant.–Haley about how positive she is she’ll nail a particular trick
*(Q): What’s a corsage? (A): It’s the universal symbol for “whipped.”–exchange between Poot and Frank, when facing a prom purchase (No, we don’t get to go to prom in this movie, but we do brilliantly, gorgeously, gloriously shop for it.)
*(Insult): Diva! (Comeback): Dee-vil!–our heroes upon entering the gym before Nationals

Oh, but it’s not just the quips I love!

No ma’am! It’s also the New Miss Malaprop on the block! Rock it. This girl has the most lazily written character (she’s so NOT the juicy wonderful villain we got to know and love in Bring It On or any other decent movie of its ilk), but it’s totally worth falling in love with her just for the malaprops. Wow! Greatness. Just a sampling:

*If you do that, I will have a cardio-vasectomy!

*Can we get rid of the long-sleeved leos? We have a constitutional right to bare arms.
*I earned my spots. I’m practically a Dalmatian!
*I don’t appreciate your instimulation.
*You got a GED? What does drunk driving have to do with school?

I mean, COME! ON! That shit is OUTSTANDING!

I predict lots of happy fun drugged-up movie-goers really enjoying the phenomenal prescription drug dream sequence and super-imposed bodies flipping and tricking simultaneously. The fun soundtrack includes a song entitled “I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me.” The sense of humor throughout this whole film is just rockstar. It never takes itself seriously, even when it has its “O Captain, My Captain” moment featuring my favorite flipper: Tarah Paige.

I cast Tarah as Cupid in Still of the Night last year. She’s amazing. Her brastrap moment is only one of a few really unforgettable, scene-stealing offerings. That so rocks. Well done, cutie! You GO!

Other favorite items include Polly Holiday (I feel shame that I was certain she had died not too long ago) delivering a great line: “There are a lot of great people who had jerks for parents. We’ve gotta stick together;” and the Buttahara, probably my new favorite trick.

In the “we’re going to nail the point of this movie home” line, Coach says, “Floor it.” Keith leans over to me and says, “I thought the movie was called ‘Stick it,'” to which I reply, “This movie is all about the subtlety.” Keith then snorked. Luckily, there were only a dozen of us in the theatre, so I don’t think many people heard.

As we left the theatre, glowing with delight (okay, maybe that was just me), we crossed paths with the “noted” Nolé Marin from ANTM, sans puppydog-on-princess-pillow.

And then we were given free samples of the new Dr Pepper Berries & Cream flavor. My review of that? The creamy stuff is really amazing… and the berry stuff is probably just kind of normal for the nectar-of-the-gods that is Dr Pepper… but there’s some little aftertaste. Or perhaps it’s just that I don’t drink soda, so it’s always a big trip for my tastebuds. Not sure.

Finally, after a quick stop into the bookstore for two books that should prep me very well for my big meeting next week (bought on a gift card I’m FINALLY redeeming, even though it was given to me almost a year ago as a thank you for a casting gig), we crossed Wilshire in front of the great Robert LaSardo, whom I wanted to cast in the above-mentioned Tarah Paige movie last year (but he was too busy with a soap opera gig). Anyway, big fan (me). And a great guy (he).

I’m still basking in the afterglow that was my morning with Stick It. I am certain that I will remain inspired to be the best professional teenage gymnast I can possibly be. Training began today. My rips have rips!