There are two types of people in this world: those who have the ability to assemble Ikea furniture and those who do not.
Perhaps there are more than those two types, but there are – for certain – those two.
For those whom the word Ikea has no meaning, I’ll elaborate. Ikea is the company that furnishes the MTV Real World houses. It’s a store whose furniture designs are in the homes of every LA resident I know.
Ikea furniture is packed in boxes. Contents of these boxes include particle-board (pressed potato flakes) slats with holes bored through mid-way; smaller slats with different holes, some bored through all the way; a crisp white sheet of paper with drawings (no words) indicating the box inventory and the state of said inventory, once assembled properly; assorted screws and dowels; and – most essentially – an Allen Wrench. These are the ingredients for ultra-mod furniture of the ’90s (and yes, I do mean ’90s).
Most of this furniture is inexpensive enough to toss with each move, mainly important because the disassembly/reassembly or transportation of assembled Ikea furniture tends to render the furniture items unusable – or, at the very least, unstable.
Know this: the only tool necessary in assembling Ikea furniture is an Allen Wrench.
I once was asked to assist a client in assembling a computer desk for the computer I’d been hired to integrate into the existing network. When I mentioned that this work would be at my regular consultant rate, the client paid someone else in the office to do it. When I re-entered the room a few hours later, the desk was… well, what my Mom would call “catty-whompus” and none… none of the screw-type items had been used. In fact, the crisp white instruction sheet remained folded neatly in its air-tight plastic wrapping. Turns out the employee had selected a power drill and hammer as the tools of choice in constructing his masterpiece.
I’d always had a “he-rubs-me-the-wrong-way” sort of relationship with this guy and now I knew why. People who know how to assemble Ikea furniture should only be subjected to interactions with others who know what to do with an Allen Wrench. This has become my opening line when meeting Potential Mr. Bonnie Gillespies:
“Finish this sentence. Ikea furniture is best assembled using _____.”
Correct answers include the word Allen. Incorrect ones come from other tools.