Once I was dining with some of my more literary friends and was interrupted by one of them. “Bonnie,” Dawn began, “you’ve made five TV references in the past ten minutes and, since I don’t own a television, I find it difficult to keep up with your analogies.”
I was speechless.
First of all, get a TV! Second, if you’re gonna be The Freak with No TV, then you should just keep to yourself that you can’t keep up with my stories. Third, what’s so wrong about using TV to help make a point?
I called my friend Chip, who owns a CyberHouse I covet like you wouldn’t believe. “Chip,” I whined, “why did I feel like such an outcast after she made that comment?”
Chip proceeded to tell me the tale of his recent weekend getaway with some of our favorite nerdy friends. “Kate decided that we all make too many pop culture references, considering how intelligent we all are.”
“That’s not the point!” I interrupted.
“I know!” Chip agreed. “But she threw down the Pop Culture Challenge for the weekend.” Immediately, I remembered the short-lived Lifetime Television game show, Debt, in which Wink Martindale would reward contestants with a repayment of their life’s debt, perhaps even double that reward, based on the contestant’s sudden-death turn with their Favorite Pop Culture Category. I remembered seeing several people choke on questions that I knew the answers to, even though the categories weren’t ones on my Expert List. I decided, if I ever go on the show, I’d use Beverly Hills, 90210 – The Brenda Years, since I know every word to every episode within that era. See, it’s always smarter to use a show rather than a film, since a film is so short, by comparison. The question could be about another film on which the cinematographer of your favorite film worked. Choosing a band is good, but you have to know with what other bands the bassist played or on what label they first recorded. Nah, I had it right: BH9, Brenda Style.
But that’s not what Chip meant. Kate’s challenge to the group of friends – and this was not to win a debt-free life or anything – was to make no pop culture references for the entire weekend. Ugh! That just sounds painful! And why would anyone do this voluntarily?
I’m constantly adding to the list of shows that will air on My Ideal TV Network. This is actually funny, since now, with TiVo, Replay, and that overpriced Microsux version of the same thing, My Ideal TV Network actually exists. You just tell the darn thing what you want to see and there ya go! Once it airs somewhere, you’ve nabbed it. Of course, I was thinking more along the lines of programming all the shows that never aired (and never will be run, even after having been shot, due to early cancellation, networks’ greed, advertisers — ah, don’t get me started). For instance, I’d have a network of Relativity (that adorable show between Thirty-Something and My So-Called Life); Class of ’96 (the quickly-canceled Fox episodic between Bev9 and Melrose Place); of course, Bev9, MP, and other such candy; Partners and any other show created by or starring friends of mine; Freaks & Geeks; Match Game, Pyramid, and other classics from the Game Show Network; The Donny & Marie Variety Hour; Iron Chef; Family Guy (a brilliant cartoon that has disappeared this season); and finally, E! True Hollywood Stories, VH-1 Before They Were Stars and Where Are They Now, A&E Biography, and any other true story thingy.
Oh, man! I can’t wait to have TiVo!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Chip said they were able to rise to Kate’s Pop Culture Challenge. “Did you become better people for it?” I asked.
Chip’s deadpan response: “It was the worst weekend of my life.”