This full moon in Aries uprooted some big emotions in me.


Seems I’d been holding onto a lot. Tamping it all down. Staying calm and carrying on.

And today let me get ragey in a way I haven’t been in a while.

In a *really* GOOD way. Like, a clearing-out-the-clutter way.

(This isn’t about any of what I got ragey over, BTW.)

I was connecting with an online colleague and I said something about how bummed I am that we never got to be what we were going to be, as we started our relationship in 2018. Specifically, I was enrolled in a big-ass mastermind for 2020 that was going to involve two trips to physical business retreats with these fellow entrepreneurs. And our online meetings in prep for the first one (scheduled for March 25-29, 2020) were so yummy. So fruitful. So filled with promise for all we were building and creating and sharing.

I said to this colleague today, “I think I want back what might not be get-back-able.”

The reason I *think* I want that is because there’s also so much that is yummy and fruitful and filled with promise for what we are building and creating and sharing right now. And I don’t know that I would trade the “what if” of that life we kicked off together two years ago for the “what is” that we are living now.

paint-by-number swinging on the moon

It’s interesting because I don’t think I have ever had feelings like this before. I’ve not pined for the “what could’ve been” too much in life. I weigh out pros and cons, torture myself before making decisions (hai, Libra stellium), and then I do what I do. It is done.

But here I am feeling a wistfulness over a “what if” that actually never could’ve happened. I mean, sure, had the whole mastermind experience been something I invested in back in 2018 to do in 2019, maybe that’s a thing… but I invested in 2019 to do it in 2020… and there’s no version of reality that could’ve yielded anything BUT the full stop of momentum we’d kicked off before the end of 2019 and in the first couple o’ months of 2020.

And there are new people and things in my life today that never would’ve been here, had I lived anything but the life that I’ve lived, right? People I *treasure* and things that I adore experiencing!

So this feeling of wanting back something that’s not get-back-able is a curious one. I’m enjoying the “I’m not familiar with this feeling” feeling, actually. Somehow in the funhouse mirror life that has been 2020 and 2021, I’ve made space for enjoying the unknown. Made room to not have a deathgrip of control on my life and what happens next. Made way for the shrug of: “Eh. Whatever.”

This last bit is a not new in the Bonniverse, though. I long ago wrote about the power of eh.

Have you made way for the shrug of “Eh. Whatever” in your life?

OF COURSE there are some really important things to care an awful lot about. Of course. And ridding life of more of the “eh” stuff makes room for conquering those things. But for so much… clutter… how’s your “eh” these days?

Comments are open just below. Share, if you’d like.

And if not?



Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!

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1 Comment

  1. Jaye October 20, 2021 at 9:55 pm

    OMG! Like the weekend of the start of the Pandemic I was supposed to start an in-person acting class. That didn’t happen. Then my neighborhood went totally wack-doodle.
    The pandemic, the curfews, the murders of people of color. It was a presser cooker. And awful things bubbled up to be healed. I think the patient will survive. However we got a LOT more to do.
    The pandemic helped me put things in perspective. I think I’m almost outta stuff to give an “f” about.
    Right now, health-wise I gotta bunch on my plate. Both physically, mentally and Spiritually.
    I’ve practiced self-care on a grand scale. Because I give a “f” about me.
    Bonnie, your 100 days of GIGFNT, being in the SMFA Dojo saved my bacon on a lot of occasions.
    One of these days I’d like to give an “f” about things. No right noe. Eh.
    xoxo GMJ


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