If you knew me before October 16, 2016, you would describe me as someone who could really hold her liquor. A power drinker. A good ol’ gal who knew how to have a good time.
In front of me, you’d probably say something about how I work hard/play hard. Perhaps out of earshot, you’d say I like my booze a bit too much.
I remember those first few days sober. Probably the first month. I WAS TERRIFIED to even use the S-word.
See, I didn’t feel I’d earned the right to call myself sober. Way too much time spent drinking to let a handful of days mean that I’d changed.
I began to worry that my desire NOT to draw attention to my sobriety meant I was secretly hoping someday to go back to drinking. Then I realized that’s not what it was. What was happening was something more like early pregnancy… when you don’t tell people yet. Because it’s too new. Too tenuous. Too precious.
I remember soothing myself by saying, “It won’t always feel this way.” My spirit was so freakin’ wobbly. Even though I knew on day one that *this time* I meant it so deeply when I declared, “I’m done,” there was something about public perception of me, something about how I’d always taken the edge off my anxiety with a drink, something about not feeling I’d earned the right to call myself #SOBER that made those first days feel vibratey. (I’m sure getting the hooch fully out of my system was a part of those vibes too.)
As I preview my 1000th sober day, I am amazed at the joy, the bliss, the brilliance, the depth, the connectedness that each new day has provided. I am humbled by the sense of presence I have in my daily life. The sense of peace and trust that exists in my every connection. The wholeness. Enoughness. All of it.
Without drinking, I’ve transformed my body, my finances, my relationships, my business, my soul. I’m not suggesting such transformations *require* a sober life! I’m saying that removing that coping mechanism, that social lubricant, that buffer against feeling my feelings fully changed everything FOR ME.
We all have things we could remove from our path to make the journey to self-love smoother. I am so grateful to have eliminated one such obstacle 1000 days ago.