Storytime: I’m running my #SMFAninjas empire from here today.


It’s an emotional thing and not just because I’ve gone from being a two-a-day badass with guns and abs to die for to someone who can only sit up for a few hours per day (and rarely for more than 20 minutes or so at a time) in just the span of a few months.

I’d gotten down to near high school weight. I’d reshaped my bod. I’d celebrated my sobriety and more wealth than I’d ever experienced… and then the pain started.

Except it wasn’t pain. It was a “catch” in my right hip. Just the slightest little thing, like when you feel like you need to crack your knuckles to release a pocket of air. December 26, 2017, there it was. An annoying little catch I noticed while warming up for pole class.


Two days before, in Pilates class, it hadn’t been a thing. But now it was and it never went away. Actually, it grew in scope ’til ultimately I was in the ER not once, not twice, but thrice, culminating in a two-night hospital stay to boot! MRIs, X-Rays, bloodwork, specialists, surgical consults.

Diagnosis? Nada. Nothing. There’s no reason for this. On the one hand, I’m thrilled because that means there’s nothing broken, nothing torn, and of course, no “big C” trying to take me down at my prime.

And then there’s the helplessness that comes with being in unceasing pain and numbness for now two solid months. No amount of treatments of all kinds will do more than alleviate pain for moments, then it’s back, and the drugs I have to take make me stupid and sleepy (two of the seven dwarfs I guess).


This past weekend was our SMFA Escape and the goddess Jen Ponton gave me her pregnancy pillow, which she had shipped to the resort to help her sleep. She even taught me how to use it and I wept. I mean, full-on CRIED.

And I continue to cry when waves of emotions take over for the bliss that is SIMPLY BEING HELD. There’s something so magical about this… this cloud of a hug that never stops.

I kind of love it.


This is healing.

Bonnie Gillespie is living her dreams by helping others figure out how to live theirs. Wanna work with Bon? Start here. Thanks!

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